Breaking News! Masterbater More Terrifying Than Ebola!

I just finished watching, well half watching a report on CNN about an openly gay Republican Congressional candidate accused by a former male staffer of master bating in front of him. *Hmm, auto correct separates master and bating. Moving on. I was immediately jolted out of social media zombie land when I heard the term “openly gay Republican”, so I watched the tail end. It seemed very informative for a jerk off story, so I rewound and watched the whole thing. Here are a few interesting (creepy) details. The alleged jerker is Carl DiMaio from San Diego, Ca. To be specific, the staffer said (and I’m paraphrasing) that the candidate was holding his penis in his hand, and smiling at the staffer. Well, that’s one way to do it, but hey sometimes ya gotta change it up. Amirite? Apparently this is a common activity for the candidate, as he’s been accused of public self satisfying before. Despite the salacious nature, the report was completely thorough, well researched, and easily understood.

This was unlike most of the other stories featured throughout the afternoon mostly concerning Isis, Ebola, and Ferguson. Not that citizens of San Diego shouldn’t know that their potential next Congressman may decide to randomly whip it out at the next town hall meeting, but personally I’m perplexed at why I can’t get the same informative coverage about the possible outbreak of world war 3, and a potential world wide plague. And, the coverage of what actually happened in Ferguson, Mo is specifically maddening. Has anyone actually given a detailed unbiased report on the incident? Not that I’ve seen. Because of this hazy, lazy coverage all people are left with are gut reactions based on prejudices and assumptions.

So, a random wanking inspired news story ignited my dormant cable news media rage. I’m okay now, thanks for asking. Venting helps. I’m now going back into my cocoon where life’s inconsistencies can’t hurt me. *Holding hands over ears. “La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la!!!”


5 thoughts on “Breaking News! Masterbater More Terrifying Than Ebola!

  1. ahhhh, yes, the random penis is clearly more evil than race issues and ebola. it’s about time the news has realized this. 😉
    this is why i DON’T miss working in radio…i was with the conservative talk station. the mentality made me realize i live on a planet with nothing but 98% idiots.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One day, a child will ask you “what were you doing when you found out that a quarter of the world’s population would die?” You will peevishly tell them “I was watching a news channel where penises trump plagues”. Well played. Was it Fox?

    Liked by 1 person

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