I’m Not A Bad Guy…. At Work

I do some pretty shitty things during the course of any given work day, and I’d like to take a moment to confess my transgressions here. No, I’m not looking for absolution, and I’m certainly not sorry. In fact, some of these things are even done in secret, so they’re just petty victimless crimes anyway. I’m not a bad guy really! Anyway, here are the horrible totally normal things that I totally feel justified in doing at work:

*I contradict, argue with, or ignore everything the annoying guy says regardless of content. Hey man, you’re a professional fuck up who doesn’t get normal social cues. It’s my way of creating distance. Seriously, I’m almost out of ways to say “Fuck off!” without actually saying “Fuck off!”.
*If you’re new, I won’t know you’re name for at least two weeks regardless of how many times I ask what it is. If I’m aware that I’ve asked, and forgotten, I’ll avoid calling you by name, and try to listen out for other people saying it. If I arbitrarily think you’re name doesn’t fit you, or I just don’t like it, add at least one more week for me to learn it. And, if I think you look like a name that’s not yours, I will constantly call you that for the rest of our working relationship.
*Superiors who piss me off are secretly serenaded in my head to the tune of the The Thunder Buddies Song from the movie Ted. “Fuck you (insert name here) you can suck my dick!”
*If you talk to me about your kids or pets I will nod and “Hmm” the whole time while making a mental shopping list, and trying to remember if I remembered to set my dvr.
*Never admit to any wrong doing. This ain’t my first rodeo.

That’s it I guess . Not too bad. I thought the list would be longer, but I just remembered what’s on the dvr. Gotta run!



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