The Complainer

Your problem is trivial. Please consider.

Your perspective is askew. Blink twice for translation.

You’ve stolen precious seconds. Lost forever.

Created chaos. Mindless disrupter.

Puff out your chest. Point your fingers.

Scapegoat your peers and trample your juniors.

Patience is fleeting. Warnings not heeded.

Your problem is now mine. You have succeeded.


Small Talk

People are so damn boring. Nobody has one interesting thing to say. Not one person I talk to during the course of the day has an intelligent thought or humorous uhh, quip or anecdote. Blah blah fuckin blah! Same bs over and over. And nothing’s worse than small talk. Small talk sucks in general but there’s certain small talk like wedding or funeral small talk that’s un fucking bearable. For instance, once a year I have the same conversation with the same distant older cousin. Whenever someone gets married or dies she’s there. She’s in her sixties. Her name is Judy or Mary or Frank. I don’t know. So every time Judy corners me and is like “So you’re in Jersey?” “Yeah still in Jersey Frank, uh I mean Judy” “No kids yet?” “No not yet.” “And you mom and dad are in Jersey too?” “I’m sorry Alice I heard its open bar and I need to get black out drunk before anymore relatives recognize me.”

And, I hate when people want to talk about their job. It’s always someone whose thinks his job is exponentially better than yours. He’s only a few years older and knows just how to climb that corporate ladder to the tune of 30k a year. And much like I can’t get Judy’s name right he thinks mine is Bro for some reason. “Bro you just gotta go for it you know. Bro fuck that noise, see what I did bro I told my boss if I don’t get that 25 cent merit raise I was walkin bro.” All the time he’s fake texting like I’m the asshole he’s trying to get away from, and oogling 14 year old girls I’m pretty sure we’re related too. Real standup guy.

So, if you see me at a party don’t feel obligated to spend 5-10 minutes awkwardly boring me with inane questions or bragging about your shiny new Hyundai. A simple nod and wave from a distance is perfectly okay. However, there is one phrase that will get my attention: “Hey, wanna do a shot?” Now that’s a conversation starter.