Random F Bombs

IMG_0968Hey guys. Remember Bort? If you do, you’ll appreciate the photo. If not, you suck. Sorry for wasting your time….. Wait don’t go! You’re awesome, really! I’ll make up for the suck comment with some brilliant random and mildly interesting thoughts and observations.

*The Coca Cola Company has the stupidest, dumbest, most genius marketing campaign ever. They put first names on cans of Coke, and you lemmings lost your freakin minds. I saw grown adults with their heads buried in convenience store coolers desperately searching for the elusive Tom, Dick, Harry or Jane that would complete their useless existence. Then came the Facebook posts. “OMG I finally found it!!!! #Susan”. I don’t understand the name thing, and how it makes people really want to drink Coke. Are we really that fucking stupid. Please explain.

*Why does auto correct capitalize Facebook when the Facebook logo is lower case? As I’ve said before, fuck Facebook. And fuck auto correct too.

*Today I want to sit in a bar, eat crappy wings and watch baseball. The Lady wants to stay home, watch Clueless and eat chips and guac. So far she’s winning.

*I’m pretty sure there are multiple wars going on in the Middle East that could have serious implications on the future of human existence, and no one really cares. Oh well, when’s the next iPhone coming out?

*The Rangers broke my heart again last night. Made me wish football season was closer. Then I remembered that I am a Jets fan. So, fuck sports as well.😡

*While waiting in stupid court again because of my stupid ticket, I was forced to over-hear a really stupid conversation between a conservatively dressed grandmaesque woman in her sixties and another woman dressed more appropriately for creepy cougar night at the local dive than for court. It started off as just a boringly inane chat about sewing, but steered towards family drama about the creepy lady’s brother and his cold shoulder towards her:

“I mean so what, I got a DUI. What’s his problem? So, he had to get up out of bed and pick me up. Big fuckin deal.”

My thoughts at the time: Bitch, that’s what happens when you get arrested for drunk driving! People tend to not be so nice to you, especially the ones who have to bail your ignorant ass out. Also please shut the fuck up so I can read my book until a judge tells me how stupid I am, and to pay him all of my money. End rant.

So that’s enough F bombs for the moment. Too much? Sorry, they had to go. As do I. Off for wings.



Small Talk

People are so damn boring. Nobody has one interesting thing to say. Not one person I talk to during the course of the day has an intelligent thought or humorous uhh, quip or anecdote. Blah blah fuckin blah! Same bs over and over. And nothing’s worse than small talk. Small talk sucks in general but there’s certain small talk like wedding or funeral small talk that’s un fucking bearable. For instance, once a year I have the same conversation with the same distant older cousin. Whenever someone gets married or dies she’s there. She’s in her sixties. Her name is Judy or Mary or Frank. I don’t know. So every time Judy corners me and is like “So you’re in Jersey?” “Yeah still in Jersey Frank, uh I mean Judy” “No kids yet?” “No not yet.” “And you mom and dad are in Jersey too?” “I’m sorry Alice I heard its open bar and I need to get black out drunk before anymore relatives recognize me.”

And, I hate when people want to talk about their job. It’s always someone whose thinks his job is exponentially better than yours. He’s only a few years older and knows just how to climb that corporate ladder to the tune of 30k a year. And much like I can’t get Judy’s name right he thinks mine is Bro for some reason. “Bro you just gotta go for it you know. Bro fuck that noise, see what I did bro I told my boss if I don’t get that 25 cent merit raise I was walkin bro.” All the time he’s fake texting like I’m the asshole he’s trying to get away from, and oogling 14 year old girls I’m pretty sure we’re related too. Real standup guy.

So, if you see me at a party don’t feel obligated to spend 5-10 minutes awkwardly boring me with inane questions or bragging about your shiny new Hyundai. A simple nod and wave from a distance is perfectly okay. However, there is one phrase that will get my attention: “Hey, wanna do a shot?” Now that’s a conversation starter.